Back home after being down the country for awhile with family members. I had been feeling pretty miserable lately, really wound up and nothing at all seemed to relax me. I was constantly on edge, and very easily irritated by everyone. I felt as though I really wanted to get away from everyone for awhile, like I was a coiled spring and a breakdown felt imminent.
I tried to get some space in the first few days and got snatches of time to myself. I sound so selfish saying that, because I am so so lucky to have a family that wants to be around me so much. How lucky am I to have what some people only hope for?
Anyway, after a long walk on my own one day I came back to the house with a blistering headache and I said, ‘To hell with this! I am miserable, cranky and now I have a headache – what is the point in being AF if I feel like crap?’ I had been feeling so rotten for the last month or so and was peeved that my AF zen had somehow deserted me. That evening I had my first glass of wine in 6 months. And it was like some stuck a pin in me, all my pent up irritation left me and my shoulders dropped about two inches. That was the benefit of having the wine. Beyond that there were no other benefits. It didn’t taste nice, really strong, and my food did not taste nice with it. And that’s one thing I thought I was missing out on, the wine complimenting the food. Nope, couldn’t taste the food! Over the next week and a half I had wine on a handful of evenings but I was never really dying for a glass. I never experienced the ‘aaahhh that’s so nice’-feeling on my first glass that I was dreaming about. I felt lethargic, heavy and was never buzzing with excitement. I had a couple of glasses of wine that evening and over the course of a week I had wine with dinner a handful of evenings. But I have to say that I really wasn’t enjoying them a whole lot, yet I still wanted to see if I could enjoy them like I used to. Ha! Maybe its just aswell I didn’t enjoy them that much!
I do feel a lot more relaxed and I’m not sure why that is. Has anyone else experienced a huge relaxation after-effect following alcohol? Why was I so wound up before? I had been doing exercise and trying to get some time on my own but nothing seemed to work in the last couple of months. It makes me think I have some sort of chemical imbalance in me or something.
I have had no urge for wine since I came home last week. And I’m not sure where I am now. I am not feeling the black despair of guilt, for which I am eternally grateful to the Gods. Instead, I feel more at peace with my decision to cut out alcohol. Weirdly, I’m not cross with myself or disappointed, and I feel as though I have learned something. I always felt like I was missing out on life by not drinking but really it does very little to enhance life.
I’m not sure where that leaves me now. Do I go back to counting my days and trying for teetotal again? Do I just have a couple of glasses on if I am on holiday? (I know that sounds incredibly foolish and naïve to many of you). I know for sure that I will not be drinking at home because for me that is a slippery slope. My life now without alcohol at home is immeasurably improved to what it was when I was imbibing regularly.
I don’t have all the answers for myself now, but while I ponder it I wanted to write it all down.
Thanks for reading x